There is Only One Sexy Truth
by Yoshichao
Summary: Random DC Crack. The true colours of a hyperactive elementary school kid, a teenage "detective", and a flamboyant thief-polygamist.


I . . . just don't know what to say.

**Warning: Implied support of yaoi, shota, possible (tw)incest, and other sexual themes. Also, a few cusses here and there.**

And sorry if it's not funny (Tanya thinks it's hilarious). I've read this at least a dozen times so Iunno if it's funny anymore . . .

Also, there _will_ be a sequel to this with the same type of characters. It'll be under a separate name, though.

* * *

"And the murderer was . . . YOU! Geste-san!"

All eyes turned towards the elderly woman that the Sleeping Korogo limply pointed at. Her eyes were wide in shock and confusion at the accusation.

"Yes, you murdered Hawk-san, WITH THE STAKE, IN THE DANCE STUDIO. You were enraged with your fiance because he told you that Edward Cullen was, in fact, not real, and that you could never have him because Hawk-san claimed he was totally his. So, you decided to kill him as if he was a true vampire: with a stake. There was one flaw with this, however."

"Ridiculosity!" old Shirley U. Geste squeaked in her deep manly-tones. She began to continue her argument but the voice of the detective ceased her macho voice.

"You have never watched the Twilight saga. You only knew about the dance studio from a friend. The vampires in that movie don't die with a stake in the heart! So you FAILED to replicate the movie scene."

"N-No! I've watched the movie! M-My Edward! WAIT FOR ME ON THE OTHER SIDE, MY LOVE!"

The gray-haired woman screeched with manfulness as the police force began to drag her away. Her testosterone tones were enough to wake up Mouri Korogo from his slumber.

"Yay! Daddy, like, solved another case!" Ran bounded over to her father, short skirt and all. Her voice oozed with flirtatious tones and giggles. "You're, like, almost as awesome as my yummy detective tripod!"

The half-drunken detective gave her a distant look, his words slurring with drunkenness. "That detective brat? Hellz nahh, I'm awesomer."

She winked. "Prove it."

Korogo tried to lift himself out of the chair but plopped right back down. "Bah, later. Speaking of detective brats, where's that damn freeloader?"

**-x-x-x-**

Young Edogawa Conan was skipping down the street, humming a song that was so horribly toned that it could not be identified. He stopped in front of a mansion of a house, where a similar looking (but older) teenager was. The teenager was leaning against the fence, a devilish-but-sexy grin on his features as he stared at the ground. Conan attempted to mimic the boy's grin, but ended up looking like he was on crack.

"Shinichi~" Edogawa said in his sexiest voice (which wasn't sexilicious at all and just screamed shota-bait), "It's done~!"

"That's Shinichi-niisama, brat," Kudo Shinichi whined coolly. "And good job. That old lady will probably face an untimely death in prison soon so the truth doesn't come out. Maybe involving fire. And scissors. And rabbits. Lots of rabbits . . ."

Conan awed at how cool his idol was. "I like rabbits! They're all cute and fluffy and eat carrots and did you know that carrots are orange juat like oranges which means that purple is actually edible because-"

"Shut up, anklebiter."

The brunet child's eyes lit up in excitement. "Does that mean I can bite your ankles, Shin-niisama? I bet they would taste really good, ne?"

Before Shinichi could reply with a sarcastically sexy remark, a sensuous voice from the heavens boomed sexily from the skies.

"OH SHIN-CHAN~"

A blob of white crashed through the moon, leaving a giant pleasurable hole in the middle. The sexy man landed with grace and passion in front of Kudo.

"The moon may shatter, but our love shall not!" Conan eyeballed the Kaitou KID, feeling envious that his Shin-niisama had such a sexilicious man to share such deep romantic feelings with.

"Idiot, I only love what is red," Shinichi rejected with a maniacal smirk, "Like blood and knives and Santa Claus. Santa looks good in red."

"Then I shall dress as Santa to prove my love for you, Shin-chan!" the thief in white announced.

"Oh oh, can I be Rudolph?"

"Shut up, Conan."

"Oh Shinichiiii~!" Ran called, somehow able to run successfully in her eleven inch red heels. "How is my scrumptious man doing? My, don't you look sexy in red, hmm?"

"It's crimson. Absolutely not related to a dead man's blood," Kudo corrected, not even bothering to look down at his shirt. He knew the sexy leather jacket he was wearing would draw attention away from the fact that his shirt wasn't naturally crimson-coloured. "Oh, Ran, I'm going to need you to use your delightfully sexy hellish heels that you're wearing later."

"Sure thing, Shinichi~" she purred, completely bypassing the teenager's personal space. He didn't seem to mind though, and didn't react at all.

"Oh, hello, Miss. Prostitute!" KID bellowed, unnecessarily disappearing and poofing in front of Ran, who was already less than two feet away (but it made him all the more marvelous). A bouquet of tripped-out rapidly flashing roses (not like you could tell, it all looked like one Disney big acid trip) appeared in his hand and he offered it to the teenage seducer. "How would you like to become my eleventyteenth wife?"

Ran screamed in a whoreish manner and dramatically fanned herself with her hand. "Like, holy fuck! Of course! For such a sexy man like you~"

"WHAT?"

"Look, look Shinichi!" the four-eyed boy squealed, bouncing up and down. "Looooook! The flowers! They're hiiiiigh! Loook! It's like when I sniffed that white powdery stuff and then the piano burst into flames and then a purple zebra kidnapped me and trapped me in a baseball and three times six is four to the power of pancakes eating caaake! Did you know that? Diiiid you, Shinichi? I don't think you did because it was actually a lie and lying is a sin so I think I'm a sin because I lied which is really a sin!"

Everyone decided to ignore the retarded-hyperactive seven year old. Shinichi seemed to have lost his cool (but still had his sex appeal). "Ran! How could you betray me? We were supposed to grow old in a whore-asylum together! And then I was going to murder you for my own pleasure and pin it on Conan! We had plans! KID!" The brunet dramatically pointed his aesthetically pleasing finger toward the aesthetically pleasing magician. "I challenge you for ownership of the slut!"

"But Shin-chan! I can't duel with my true love! And my fabulous suit might get ruined!"

"Like, I'm sorry, delicious Shinichi," Ran said with a flirtatious smile as she leaned into Kaitou KID (who seemed more or less indifferent to this action), "But I love the polygamist phantom thief, like, more than you! He, like, gave me something you would, like, never give me! The superpower of LOVE."

Conan looked up at his Shinichi, who looked stressed. The nervous sweat just made him even more appealing. "Hey, Shinichiiii! Listen, hey! Hey, hey listen! Shinichi! Now we're both single! Hey, that's so cool, right? Let's hook up now I swear I'll never leave you, okay, Shinichi? OKAY? Then maybe we can have baby smarties for kids and then everyone will make fun of them for being strange and then they'll be sad and commit suicide and you'll think it's funny because you actually told those kids to say those things because you're a sexy sadist like that."

"Sorry, brat, I'm not into pedophilia."

"But wives number sixteen and four are!" Kaitou KID exclaimed, "As is husband number two point six! It would be a fanfiction writer's dream come true! A nutritious and delicious fanfiction! But not as delicious as THIS!"

The kaitou whipped his hat off his head and held it out. It didn't take long for three doves, a baby seal, eighteen moon cows, Superman, and two ring pops to burst out. Kid picked up the two ring pops and handed one to Kudo.

"SHIN-CHAN! MARRY ME TO FULFILL THE DREAMS OF ALL THE FANGIRLS - and fanboys - SO WE CAN BE A LOVELY COUPLE WITH A FUTURE IN A WHORE-FLAMBOYANT-POLYNOMIAL-ASYLUM! IT WILL BE FUCHSIA AND BE MADE OF HALF THE MOON."

"OMG YES!" Shinichi cried, accepting the ring pop and sticking it in his mouth. Conan still thought his love looked sexy with the childish squeaks emitting from his throat.

"Goody~!" KID chimed, "We shall be married next Blanderday; after mine and Ran's wedding!"

"Blanderday?" Conan questioned.

"Yes! The day between Tuesday and Wednesday that I stole six and eight halves of a year ago! I marry all of my husbands on that day!" He paused. "Ah, but only in the Northern Hemisphere and if the cookies burn the lion's tongue the previous day. I already checked." KID winked at the seven-year old boy, who seemed rather fascinated and slightly turned on.

The thief in white put his hat back on before turning to his new soon-to-be-husband, who was thoroughly enjoying the ring pop. The ring pop action was enough to be visually pleasuring to everyone.

"Shin-niisama~! Does this mean you and KID-san are going to fulfill the dreams of every fangirl before you find out that you two are actually related but you don't care because fangirls love incest and it's basically twincest since you too look STRAAAANGELY similar making it better but, y'know, Shinichi is still sexier even though you both look like the same but actually maybe he's not because KID-san looks sexily the same as you, ne? NE?"

"Oh, Conan-kuun~! You want to join us, like, don't you? This is making you feel, like, left out. I'm sure we can arrange something, anata." the brunette reassured, which made Conan squeal with glee.

"Yes, maybe I can work something out with Kazuha!" KID annunciated, "The fluffy panda-chan must be lonely!"

"Nooooo! I don't like pandas they think they're Asian and that seems really racist and they're black and white and yellow and eat gum trees hey did you know that Shinichi? Did you did you?"

"No, and I think you're getting your animals mixed up."

"No, I'm noooot! Maybe you're high again, Shinichi! Because you don't notice that I love you with all of my tiny heart and I want to be with you forever and ever until you can divide by zero!"

"Awww~!" Kaitou KID cooed, dabbing his eyes with a pink handkerchief before turning it inside out and dramatically sobbing into the purple side. "Now that is true LOVE! Oh, Shin-chan~! You can't turn him down after that!"

Shinichi's cheeks puffed up adorably. "But there won't be any room for him!" he protested.

"That's what wife number twenty six said! But I proved her wrong! And that's why I am here in front of you today, m'loves!"

Ran, incredibly curious to how to achieve such a tempting feat, was the one to ask the question. "Like, wow! How did you like, do that?"

Kid looked absolutely appalled by the question. "I'm sorry! I cannot tell you, my mistress!"

"Why nooooot?" Conan whined.

The Kaitou Kid winked sexily, making the young boy swoon. That wink caused a chain reaction where the world sighed in pleasure at that one wink (and so another child was whisked to Foo).

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is because I'm a magician. A very_ voluptuous_ magician~"


End file.
